treading water...

Published Saturday, December 17, 2011 by jodi renee | E-mail this post

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To love yourself as you are is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now.
And now is all we have, and love is who we are.
~ Anne Lamott

Life is challenging...
And it'll test you.
Far more and to a depth that I've never experienced before.
Anything and everything from finance to friends...business...
love and life.
leaves me standing somewhere.
For a minute like someone pressed paused. As I digest...often shaking my head...
Before the tears seem to fall.
...someone has left the tap running.
Grab a dingy (a kayak for better manuevering if you wish)
I feel that I'm complicated at times. Too emotional.
I curse my ability to feel so much.
And yet, this is the place from where I create...
Funny that what attracts people to me is what also drives them away.
If I dial down one part...then the whole changes.
I feel that's where my discomfort comes in.
I start to question myself.

I wanted these writings to pick up and be more inspiring, light hearted...festive even.
And yet I'm brutal at being fake...hiding the truth.

I stopped by my parents yesterday...mom asked me if I remembered the cradle I used to put my dolls in when I was younger.
Of course.
Dad had painted it...it's like brand new.
They were going to give it to my niece for Christmas...
My niece.
And of course it would be a 'loaner'...they would give it back.
I wasn't prepared to unleash the floodgates. I knew my mom didn't have a raft let alone a life jacket.
I threw on the blank stare, peppered with mild irritation.
"You don't loan things as gifts and expect to get them back mom"...
Was it selfish of me to want to hold onto this? Someone else...someone whom I loved with all my heart could be enjoying this... when I may not...possibly ever have anyone to give it too? Like the book I bought years ago...tucked away in my chest...waiting. So often I'd considered it a gift to give someone else...

My biological clock right now tuned in like a Christmas station.
It's hard not to think there's something wrong with you when the rest of the world is signing up for baby number 2.
The irony. I LOVE kids and people...
The feeling of family and love's undeniable soul filled embrace.
I want a family...a home filled with laughter, chaos...and the smells of Christmas cookies. I want passion, oodles of love and ridiculous fights rooted in KNOWING that love endures. ...this is life. And why do so many of us run from the parts that make us uncomfortable? an effortless seeking to one feeling only?

I spoke to someone earlier in the week who said..."tread water Jodi"..."In the eye of of a storm, with your boat on the water...any amount of swimming can send you back in just one wave..."
Exhausting yourself, you'll get no further.
Thank God for life lines.
They're the people - and very few. Who actually know what's going on (...and can often be somewhat strangers)
They don't judge you. They're always there for you and NEVER get exhausted from trying to pull you out of the river of your own making.
They actually jump in WITH YOU.
And I can't tell you how long I'll be in this river.
I do know that I can and will ride this out...
I promise.
Because I trust in the greater purpose of this awesome, amazing life.
Believing that, if I just trust the flow NO MATTER HOW FEROCIOUS THE WATERS...it's taking me somewhere.
It knows.
...I might just need a few more swim suits (unless of course we're talkin abroad and heeyyyy let's just forgo the top...) Banana hammock anyone?

loving you...xo
jodi renée

The solution is at hand. Wherever the great dilemma exists is where the great growth is, too. As Einstein taught us, everything in the future and the past is right here now. There's always something ending and something beginning. Yet in the very center is the truth of your spiritual identity: is you. Fabulous, hilarious, darling, screwed-up you. Beloved of God and of your truest deepest self, the self that is revealed when tears wash off the makeup and grime. The self that is revealed when dealing with your anger blows through all the calcification in your soul's pipes. The self that is reflected in the love of your very best friends' eyes. I pray that your awakening comes with ease and grace, and stamina when the going gets hard...
~ Anne Lamott

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