the unconventional celebration...aka 'the fuck up'

Published Tuesday, November 15, 2011 by jodi renee | E-mail this post

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amen for the cleanse that kept me from the eggnog this evening...
Or the nog.
just rum.
Not even ice.
I couldn't do it. Only because this probably would have ended up a totally different blog post had I partaken in the "just rum"

Cut to the chase!? 
I bought my own condo in the spring - hoorah! (that might be the biggest celebration I allowed myself to have over this very committed, very un-gypsy-like thing I did...) 
And true to Jodi style I purchased this condo in a city I didn't really EVER think I'd live in...
A little off the beaten track.
And did I mention I purchased it alone?
Wine and confetti I get it.
I still have not been able to find it within myself to let myself be happy.
Like the guy your friends warn you about...
I did years of the douche bag warnings only to find myself IN a douche bag living situation.
Easy easy...
FULL ON GRATITUDE...I get it.
And can I also relish and marinate in this big fuck up?
I'm allowed to fuck up.
I do it quite often.
We all do (we just often are too ashamed to throw the party for it)
And there should be a party - for the mistakes, the failures, the fuck ups.
They get us to where we're going...
You may have to jump over a thousand 'not the ones' to get to THE ONE...
You often know what you like, because you know what you don't like...
And it's not like you can test drive a home? 
And yet...
I rushed it.
I let things go on longer than necessary until I'm bursting like those jeans after you've ate the whole cheesecake.....with a tub of ice cream......and then made room for brownies......
Not only is the belt coming off, the buttons were undone before I even started (I may even have had a spoon in my pocket...) Oh for real! I can eat pints of ice cream...(that's a whole other blog post though)
So I've been torn.
Do I make it work. Do I bask in all that preach and 'water my own grass so it's green...right where I'm standing'...
OR...is community, food.
Cuz I feel starving. And alone out here.
And I can do alone...
Probably under par for alone.
I thrive around people. Nature.
The lifestyle I know I thrive in is the one I just denied myself ...because I heard a voice. 
That said "investment"...
Money was burning a hole in my pocket to invest...
And a much quieter voice said "it's not you"..."don't do it"...
bah! "I totally got this," was my reply "and just because you said that - I AM going to do it!"
yea, that's me having a written conversation with myself. crraaazeee...

And something felt right IN the space. And it still kinda does. 
And that's the OTHER thing.
We think it's what we want that we want.
Riddle me wha?
Yea...it's never THE THING...
The house, the guy, the car, the trip...
It's the feeling it cultivates.
We're after the feeling. Always.
So as I longed for a space...I needed my own space...gots to have me my own SPACE.
What did I really want? What IS space?
To me? ...it's room...freedom...it's expansion. I wanted a place that was mine, that I could feel completely myself in...(oooh...might have to get my 'om' on around that revelation)!
Years of always having 'fit in' to someone else's space or 'living in the meantime'...
I wanted a home.
Loved by me, inspired by me.
And I certainly didn't see it empty...at 33...pretty much alone. My first home...
The hallways are empty. The silence can be deafening.
I work alone...
The 'way things look' is a default ironically that breeds purpose to my passion. 
Thus it doesn't surprise me at all...that I purchased a gorgeous space and see the vision of a dream I've always had coming to life. I'm just wondering...does that matter? 
When I missed what's truly important...
Relationships, people and connections are what fill me. Make me come alive.
See my conundrum?

I wonder if they're happy. The people. 
Putting up their Christmas lights.
Trimming the tree.
It dawned on me that the last time I actually put up a real tree with someone was probably...oh...10 years ago.
So you can see why this evening I may be a tad verklempt...
my heart feeling like it's strangled by the dickie underneath the mock-neck (because I'm pretty sure that's a self torture in itself? Especially if it's cheap wool...rash!)
I know this has a purpose... 

I'll take deliveries of the rum'n eggnog thank you. Don't forget the vegan cheesecake with an elastic waist-banded pair of sweats! What's a party without a tad of guilt the next day? :)
love (and a little lost)...
jodi renée xo

Am I being ungrateful? Am I not seeing something? Do you always have to make something work...or can you just...throw in the towel? Walk away...
I would love to hear from you! did this help or maybe I just sent you off to get cheesecake for kleenex and pure gluttony!? ...


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