the magical uncomfortable carpet ride {roller-skates sold separately}

Published Monday, December 05, 2011 by jodi renee | E-mail this post

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A genuine odyssey is not about piling up experiences.
It is a deeply felt, risky, unpredictable tour of the soul.
~ Thomas Moore

They invited me in for training...
for a J-O-B.
like the 9-5 kind....(insert cringe here)
Full time working for the man.

The realtor left this morning with the advice I kinda knew for myself...
sell or rent.

Wishing that the wipers on the car could do the same for the stream of tears that were making their way down my face.
I did something that was unconventionally NOT me however sometimes embracing your inner bitch keeps her on your side ya know? fighting with the same team instead of against...
So I flipped the jackass on the highway the finger then politely waved as I passed him.
Where the funk is everyone going so fast in the same direction with their 360 blinders on?
Can we see the world around us? God I didn't need him to pass me a tissue or pull over on the side of the road to embrace me as I threw a dramatic 'fall down on my knees'.
And this is all GREAT news! a JOB...a possible move...
Just so many rugs being pulled out from underneath.
All at once.
I have to keep reminding myself that this IS the magic.
This glorious uncomfortable UNKNOWN of my life right now.
(although Aladdin's whole carpet thing seems A LOT more lucrative then the rugs at moment.)

I had a potential client tell me I had no conscious on the weekend...
And then follow up with a "you suck at your job" (in a nutshell)
Imagine that I had a gut feeling about NOT working with this client - which is why I fired her before I even hired her.
Yea, I have these feelings and in the past when I don't roll with'em, they rock with me....
And not the Rock and Roll where you pull out your favourite jean jacket that you've been dying to wear while pitching an air guitar to your biggest fan - you - in the mirror.
No. The roll that rocks your world and everything is just WAY more difficult than it needs to be.
There's a big misconception that we have to take all the business that comes our way.
Scrap that.
I started my business to create a dream job working with dream people.
Thus my salute to the 'gut' feeling.
It took me 2 minutes to digest that this MEAN person saying I had no conscious might wanna take a look in the mirror. Lady - I'm a photographer doing the best I can here. I will suck at a lot of things and business is one of them. My intentions are GROUNDED in full on heart.
Terrorists on the other hand...may be the ones that have no conscious.
Thank you for your un-business. Don't come again.

I think if I hear someone say, "I don't know what to say to you" (especially the people so-called closest to me) ONE more time! ...I might just do the dramatic fall on my knees.
Can you tell that this is something that I think I might really need to try?
I think we all need to at some point.
Probably why I have a therapist. Yep.
Support isn't SAYING the right thing or even knowing what to say - it's just about BEING there for someone.
Holy shit! we are so ignorant in our emotions that obviously we can't handle anyone else's
(insert the guy who sees you signaling on the highway AND because of those invisible blinders he pretends NOT to see you while your lane is already merging ...and well...you get the picture....) bird. flipped.
I grew up under a big broom that swept ANY kind of confrontation under the rug...
So quiet, so repressed...for so long.
Uh...probably why I'm an over-communicator that is dishing out my dirt to the WORLD.
and do you know WHY I do this?
Because we have all been 'here'...and some of us...still are here...
I have been inspired and MOVED by the people who share everything.
If I show you the pretty positive side all of the time (which I have for so long) then it's delusional.
Because to get HERE...this awesome *fucking uncomfortable* place...I need it ALL.
The ups and downs, the tears the laughter.
And I'm sad for humanity that runs from all of this...
We can't expect the world, when we run from yin...only to yang.
When we jump for joy at the sun and not for the rain (that makes the grass grow...)
Everything is necessary.

So I cry ALOT...coming down from the rock to fall on my knees...yessssss.
Probably really falling off the rock and if I'm landing on my knees...throw on some pads.
Most likely roller-skating -- That's a time-machine dream right there. And a disaster at the same time.
But because I'm that person that pulls...and motivates and moves...others.
Who does that for me?
it's tough...really tough.
(insert my therapist)
It's hard to hear others say "walk your talk"..."this is what you'd tell me"...
And hi.
I'm human.
I can't get to the places I want to go until I breakdown sometimes...
I have to go back often, to move forward.
And I'm ok with that.
I'll embrace that.
Just don't tell me I need depression meds...
because our ability to FEEL is the best guidance tool we have.
And I'm not judging those who need to take them, I just know - I love to feel.
Everything.
And if you're going to tell me, "I don't know what to say to you"...
well...really...I don't know what to say to YOU.
Only that I hope you don't ever have to say that to your significant other or children one day.

Imagine that my brother and I were strangers growing up and I called him during cry-fest to dump it all...
Like the wipers I would have needed if I were the windshield...clarity.
He SEES me - without even having too.
We created a relationship that goes beyond what I would have ever imagined.
Because I don't know what I'd do without him. He's my rock and my best friend.
Annnnnnd...
The point of this rambling?
Don't be worried...for me...or even yourself - if you're going through the shit right now.
As you make your way through, in and around this world however...
Take off the blinders.
Bring out your wipers...
It's time we encourage tears, rain...what have you.
And just BE what others need from us.
Ourselves.
Human BEINGS.
Not running from every uncomfortable emotion.
Swapping the blinders for the LOVE goggles (okay I'm sure you think I'm smokin some incense
hugging a tree over here - not at the moment thanks.)
Give people, close to you OR, that you've never met before...
the most valuable, precious thing you have.
YOUR TIME.
You have no idea what it means for me to get emails from people "thanking me" for sharing my fucked up BEAUTIFUL journey.
Don't underestimate the power of reaching out...
In it's smallness.
It's huge.
Massive love for you....
jodi renée xo

And if you're wondering why I'm looking for a full time JOB ...gahhhh...
you'll have to wait till the next chapter :)

Thanks for being here.

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