6th grade track and field day.
On my mind
In my heart
...a constant reminder
of when I gave up. When I didn't even 'try'
Petrified of the 'judgment' of everyone else not recognizing that they would never ...EVER matter. That the most painful judgments were the ones I would carry with me - my whole life
The ones that dictated who I should be, what I should be...comparing myself to everyone else.
I wrote that letter ...because she's back. I can hear the song she sings in my head with the chorus:You can't do this
You will fail
You don't have what it takes
You don't know what you're doing
...You aren't good enough
(this last one's a repeater with strong solo vocals!)
Lovely song ain't it? I wonder if I should pull something together with a synthesizer perhaps, make it down-loadable from Itunes? Throw in a few bongos and we could do a tribal remix?
The closer I get to something so radically fearful 'for me'...
The louder this chorus plays in my head.Because it knows...
What knows and when did this become the matrix???
The YOU that knows your greatest potential WANTS to be great.
The YOU that you have lived your whole 'trying' to be...perhaps even wanting to be...
Wants to keep you the same mediocre, inauthentic facade that never changes.
More concerned that I was overweight and a very slow runner.
Okay, I sucked.
Trumped me even TRYING...
at some point in my 20's ...I just started to run.
It was easy.
Like I'd been doing it all my life.
Sometimes 10k, 3 times a week.
It fills my soul, is a passion and gives me SO much.
I don't want to live in the 'what if's' ...and seriously. WHAT IF?
Leaning INTO the thing that scared me the most ...I could have been a track star? Given myself the confidence it needed at such a critical time (cuz who doesn't need more confidence in grade school...)
There is a reason this thing
, whatever it may be, however small it seems to others...
Because there is something so magnificently beautiful on the other side...
A passion perhaps? A new love...
Something that fills you.
So in ode to the fears that are looming and knowing what I didn't know then
I've decided to change the chorus:You CAN do this
You won't ever 'fail' ...
You have what it takes
You know what you're doing
...You ARE good enough
(repeat 10 times and fade out) ...
Let those bongos play.
It's a catchy tune hey?
I believe in you...
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Labels: inspiration, journal, motivation, personal